[extract from The Times 21/01/09]
Gambon, Hollywood legend of the films Layer Cake and Dumbledore and the Specky Bastard, has come strongly out in denial of recent accusations of cruelty to animals which have been filling the internet’s inbox today. A week ago after a video on a file sharing website, believed to be http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tdPMhy0ulzU, was widely circulated between cat-lovers and self-abusers last week in apparent hilarity at the feline’s insubordination, there was outrage in the film industry and beyond.
Gambon released an initial press statement shortly after the video became front page news, announcing, “I couldn’t give a shaven monkey’s balls what that shitty cat skittles is up to. And don’t capitalise its name, it’s a bloody cat.”, a response which drew worldwide praise for its geniality and wit. Gambon friends came out in defence too; an irate President Obama told Fox News that he was discussing military support with his advisors; even the pope, long berated by the G-Dogg for his refusal to sell him the Popemobile, stated on his myspace that Gambon had always been an “honourable man” and he had long been a member of the Gambon appreciation society on Facebook. This statement, supported by Desmond Tutu and everyone else who mattered in the church of Jesus, was another clear sign that the church is increasingly willing to discuss a terms with the Gambon Gospelites, after their recent sale of the Vatican City to their new religious rivals. It is believed at this stage skittles openly refused to retract its video from youtube and the battle lines were drawn.
After several more death threats were received by the feckless feline, the police stepped in and skittles was placed in the Witness Protection System and it was thought that this would be the end of the matter. However, two days ago skittles and one of its guard cats were found with a big fat tyre mark across their balls in a horrific and tragic hit and run case. Tributes such as this one http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sJl2eKlFQJk&NR=1 appeared online accusing Gambon of the deaths, and the surviving guardcat picked Gambon as the driver out of a lineup of himself, Ian McKellen, Peter O'Toole and the rotting corpse of Richard Harris. Without any evidence to support the accusation however there was no prosecution and anti-animal hurting groups rushed to denounce Gambon as a result. Yesterday Gambon once again made a brief statement to the press outside his fuck-off mansion, stating,
“I have never, nor will I ever kill anything in the world, except in the medium of film. All I can say is that if I had run that bastard skittles down in my shiny hundred-grand Bentley I would have also left one survivor to spread the word that no-one messes with fucking Gambon. Now if you don’t mind I have to get this shiny hundred-grand Bentley to the garage, the front bumper is fucked.”
There was no comment from the internet, who could not be contacted at the time of press.
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